Please heed the trigger warnings. The abuse in this book gave me nightmares. Still, I'm a better person for having read this.
I raged, I cried hot tears. But I also smiled and laughed and cheered.
I know it's going to be quite difficult to review a book of this magnitude, but I'll give it my best shot.
The book opens with a prologue of sorts (which it needs, to set the tone), in which a Greek police general more or less rescues a young male on the verge of death. Phone calls are made, hints are given, and the young male, suffering from the effects of prolonged abuse, is sent to a facility in New York State to start a new life.
My fists clenched in helpless fury, my heart already bleeding for this young man without even knowing the entire back story.
I know it now, even though after reading the book's 500+ pages, I still have questions and some things remained unanswered.
After the prologue, the book's POV switches to that of Michael Sattler, a high school senior, captain of the track team. From the moment he meets Christy Castle, he's fascinates and enamored by the beautiful young man with the gorgeous eyes and long, blonde curls who's been watching him train, every day, without ever saying a word to him.
The budding relationship between Michael and Christy takes center stage in this novel, but it goes far beyond that. At its heart, it's the story of a determined young man in love for the first time (Michael), and a broken, abused and suffering Christy, who's equally as determined to move past the horrific sufferings of his childhood.
There are so many poignant moments in this book, it would be difficult to list them all, but here's a sampling:
- Christy asking Michael why he chose to be gay, thinking that the abuse suffered caused his sexuality and not understanding why Michael, with a great home, wonderful parents and friends, would also be gay. I cried.
- Christy asking about Michael eating three meals a day. I cried some more just thinking about what that had to mean, before Christy even spelled it out.
- Christy learning to run. I cried again, just overwhelmed with the tenderness of Michael's actions, and his coach's intuitive measures to make Christy feel safe.
- Michael calling himself 'unaware'. Dude doesn't get that he's more aware than anyone else in Christy's world, when it comes to his boyfriend's safety and care.
I have never known abuse, and I am grateful. I have known people who were abused, not only sexually, and the road to recovery is a very, very long one. Thus, I was able to empathize with Christy, as well as with Michael, and understand the difficulties inherent to such a situation.
I had a very hard time with the depiction of the abuse, even though it is thankfully fed to us in small pieces. Never have I shed so many tears while reading a book or shaken my fists in such helpless rage. Never will I understand how anyone can treat another human being like garbage. Still with each step forward Christy takes, with each moment he finds strength and perseveres - I was cheering him on.
The author created an amazing cast of characters beyond the two MCs. There is Jake (Jacob), who is Michael's amazing best friend, with a closeness like brothers; there are Michael's mom and dad, Bobbie and Mac, who are an exemplary set of parents; Jake's parents, specifically his father, who plays a huge role that the reader doesn't understand until further into the book; Rob, the counselor trying to help Christy; Sophia, Christy cousin; Stephen, Jesse, Lisa, Smitty, even Jason - they all have a role, but with perhaps the exception of Jason and Yosef (the villain throughout), all of them are multi-faceted and do things that kept me surprised.
I fell in love with Michael and Christy, especially the honesty and devotion they both display toward the other. The depth of their connection is evident from the start, and despite a few hiccups, it was beautiful to watch unfold. Michael has faults, of course, but they never detracted from the beauty that shines from within him. The things he said to and did for Christy, all because he loves this boy, were a privilege to read.
While there are some sexual situations in this book, it is important to know that they are initiated by Christy, that they are tastefully done without getting explicit, and that the all further and strengthen the relationship. There is nothing in any of them that made me question either Christy's or Michael's good judgment, nor did they give me the impression that they were for entertainment purposes. The delicate and tactful way with which the author describes their intimate relationship (including the humorous exchanges between Michael and his mom) are a testament to C. Kennedy's craft and foresight while writing this book. Even knowing that Christy had been severely abused over a long period of time, I did not at any time feel as if Michael was forcing him to do anything Christy did not want to do. He gave all control and all the power to Christy, without making himself powerless.
The last 50 or so pages had my heart beating in my throat with a nail-biting climax and one more heroic act and utterly heart-melting moment. And then a gentle letdown with the epilogue. I closed the file on my Nook with a heavy sigh and a smile on my face. I'm still smiling, still thinking of this story two days later, and I don't foresee ever forgetting about Christy and Michael. This is the kind of book that stays with you for a very long time.
The only thing that had me slightly baffled as the ineptitude of the security team, but I assumed that this was an intended plot device.
While this was a fictional story, the kind of abuse depicted within (and worse) does happen in the real world. It can happen to anyone, and it could be your neighbor or that kid you see at the grocery store. Open your eyes, watch out for it, step in when you can.
If you are a survivor of abuse, please keep fighting, keep persevering, keep getting stronger. Reach out for help. Don't suffer in silence. The abuse is not your fault. You didn't deserve it. And you are not alone.
Let me leave you with this: any book that can take as horrific a subject as child sexual abuse, treat the topic with reverence and care without ever delving into exploiting it for entertainment, and still give the reader reason to smile and laugh and cheer... Such a book is well deserving of much more than the five stars I can give. And it is well deserving of your time. Please, I beg you, give this a go.
I received a free ARC from Dreamspinner Press. It was an utter privilege to have been thus trusted with this amazing book.