John Inman's Top 5 Pet Peeves

Since I'm old and gay and occasionally grumpy, or a Pridely curmudgeon as I prefer to think of myself, I'd like to talk about my TOP FIVE PET PEEVES.  Leaving the current state of politics aside, because I know you don't want to hear me rant about that, there are a few things that really irk my glirk, as my grandmother use to say.  So let's get right into it, shall we?

1. Birdbaths.  No, don't jump to conclusions.  I don't hate birdbaths, I love them.  In fact, I own two.  My peevishness arises with those people who have birdbaths decorating their lawns, but refuse to ever put water in them.  What are the birds supposed to do?  Pack their own drinks?  Tote their own wet wipes to bathe with? Ever try taking a bath in an empty tub?  So for those of you feeling twinges of guilt about now, I say GET OFF THE COUCH, GO OUTSIDE WITH A BUCKET OF WATER, AND POUR IT IN THE DAMN BIRDBATH.  

2. Sidewalk parkers.  Ever notice how when you're taking a leisurely stroll through the neighborhood, whistling a merry tune and minding your own business, every once in a while you have to risk life and limb by veering out into traffic just to get around a car planted across the sidewalk?  The owner could have easily pulled three feet farther into his driveway so as not to block the pedestrian right of way, but noooo...

3. Telemarketers.  Not only are telemarketers annoying, but they inevitably call when I'm either in the bathroom or taking an optimistic stab at geriatric sex.

4. Incessant talkers.  I'm a pretty quiet guy.  Being the way I am, it defies understanding why fate should find it so amusing to inevitably place me next to people who never shut up. 

5. Computers.  Jesus H. Christmas.  Computers.   Sitting an old man in front of a computer is like snatching a Masai warrior off the Serengeti and plopping him down in the cockpit of a 747.  He knows no matter which buttons he pushes, the damn thing's going to crash.   I have a three-year-old neighbor name Ollie who can do more with my iPad than I can and he's only a year out of diapers.  Of course, I'm only a year away from diapers, so maybe that has something to do with it.  Don't get me wrong.  I can learn to do things on my computer.  I'm not stupid.  Unfortunately, by the time I need to utilize that knowledge, I've completely forgotten what I learned, or even who taught it to me.