Spencer

To be honest I've waited a long time to read 'Spencer' book three in J.P. Barnaby's 'Survivor Stories' series. Why? Well, book one, 'Aaron', devastated me and book two, 'Ben', brought me to my knees. These are emotional, heart shattering novels, and no matter how beautifully written or how much I love them, they leave an imprint that doesn't go away. Hence my long time in between novels.

"Aaron’s emotional and physical damage stood like a wall between them and their future. It seemed to grow instead of shrink with each passing year."

There are so many, many issues going on in this book. Spencer's put his life on hold and essentially become a hermit for three years to be with Aaron. He loves Aaron. He loves him so much it's overwhelming sometimes. Spencer understands exactly what to do, what to say, what not to do, and definitely what not to say to keep Aaron from panicking. But there's this little niggle in the back of his mind which in my opinion was only human. The one that tells him Aaron is never going to leave his comfort zone.

Aaron loves Spencer. He wants to be normal. He wants to be everything Spencer needs. Aaron just knows that someday Spencer will leave him, exhausted from dealing with all of Aaron's problems. Aaron has that little voice in the back of his head, too, telling him that if none of his terror had happened, the old Aaron wouldn't have looked twice at Spencer. Doesn't that just increase his dark thoughts about himself? Is it a self-fulfilling prophecy that Spencer does leave to take a job in the city? Aaron can't hold him back. How would that be fair?

"He wanted to make things better for Aaron, not worse. Maybe this would make them both grow up a little. Maybe it was the jolt their relationship needed to move forward again.
Maybe he was just a selfish prick."

It was truly heart breaking to walk with Aaron and Spencer through Spencer moving away, Aaron finding out his abusers and Juliette's murderers had been caught and he would need to stand trial, Spencer's jealousy when Aaron makes a friend in Jordan, another PTSD survivor, and watching Aaron do what he thinks he has to in order to not lose Spencer. I'll admit there were some moments in the beginning of this book where I didn't like Spencer very much. Luckily he redeemed himself in a big way over the course of the story.

Everything about this book was tragic and beautiful. The strength that it took for Aaron to face his rapists and for Spencer to stand by his side simply awed me. This is not an easy book, or series, to read but I can't recommend it enough.

If you want an easy or fluffy read, this isn’t it. This is an emotionally difficult but very rewarding book. It’s a story of struggle, hope and triumph and I loved every bit of it. Zach, from Finding Zach by Rowan Speedwell, makes a cameo appearance and that’s when I gave up and let the tears flow. However, it was also the turning point in the book and things kept getting better for Aaron and Spencer. There is only one sex scene in the book and believe me when I say it’s one of the most beautiful scenes of any type I’ve ever read. Quality is indeed better than quantity.